The February Prayer Project – The Dreaded “N-” Word

15 Feb

More than Mothers writer Lisa chronicles her thought-provoking experiment in faith and friendship in “The February Prayer Project.”  Here is Part Three of her four-part story.  Click here for Part Two.

One notion haunted me the first weeks of the February Prayer Project, wherein I challenged Jen, Lori and myself to pray for a whole month to see if it mattered.

What if God was telling me, “no”?

I’d heard the dreaded “n-” in the past. And it hurts. Bad.

My daughter, Paige, was diagnosed with autism in the spring of 2000. Both my husband and I knew she had serious developmental delays. Paige made plenty of sounds but very few words. She made eye contact but couldn’t sustain it like a glancing blow. She rarely looked up when you called her name.

For months, I’d prayed—down on my knees, tears in my eyes—for God to fix whatever was wrong. After all, He’d parted the Red Sea for Moses, sent manna from heaven for the Israelites. Through His son, He’d given sight to the blind and brought Lazarus back from the dead. Couldn’t He—shouldn’t He—intervene on behalf of an innocent little girl?

If He did, I couldn’t see it. In April 2000, a pediatric neurologist with the bedside manner of a third-world despot informed us: a) Paige had autism; b) there was no cure; c) we should start saving now for institutionalized care.

A decade later, those wounds can still feel raw. And in February 2011, as my dearest friends were praying during a project I’d dreamed up, I kept mulling this singular, terrifying idea:

What if God says no?

Like a good parent, He could have plenty of reasons to deny a request. The heroin addict who begs the Almighty to win the lottery? You can see how a huge infusion of cash could lead to the winner’s demise. The freshman who didn’t study for her geometry exam? Giving her an easy A could set a bad precedent, ultimately hindering her growth.

But Paige?

All that’s to say I was gun-shy about asking God for much of anything. I didn’t think He’d ignored me where Paige was concerned. I thought he said, “Sorry, sister,” which somehow felt worse.

But in February 2010, I began seeing a bit more nuance in my daughter’s disability. How God has provided everything she truly needs—great teachers, skilled therapists, compassionate sitters, savvy doctors (minus the aforementioned neurologist, whom we never saw again). God has also used her situation to shape who I am. I listen better because when you have a child with such significant communication problems, you develop a keen ear. I have used her situation to vet my friends, too. If Paige makes them uncomfortable (or if that’s what I perceive), I’m far less interested in the relationship. She and I, in effect, are a package deal. Over the past decade, anytime I have asked God for strength or guidance in solving a Paige-related problem, He has shown me the way.

To that end, I began to feel gratitude for the gifts her autism has given me.

Sometimes a “no” turns out alright in the end.

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One Response to “The February Prayer Project – The Dreaded “N-” Word”

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

  1. The February Prayer Project – Mottos and More « More than Mothers - February 22, 2011

    […] in “The February Prayer Project.”  Here is the final part of her story.  Click here for Part […]

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